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Dear BT Openreach

Until I moved home recently, I had an ADSL account through Plusnet (a BT subsidiary). When you enabled 21CN on the exchange, I called Plusnet, and was merrily transferred onto a 21CN service in about a week. It went flawlessly. The transfer work began in the exchange around 2am one morning, and the connection was back up 20 minutes later.

So, why is it that when I requested the same regrade for the ADSL account at work, at the same time, which was on the exact same IPStream Max product on the same exchange – but supplied via Zen Internet – was I told that there would be several months wait because there was allegedly so little 21CN capacity being released to resellers at my exchange?

Furthermore, why is it that when the order was eventually actioned by BT Openreach, you started the work at around 2am, but did not pass the completion data through to Zen until TEN GODDAMNED THIRTY in the morning, meaning we were without Internet access until 10.50am?

Is it because your claim that you do not give BT-owned ADSL resellers any preferential treatment is a complete lie? Because that’s how it looks from here.

I’m just sayin’.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Web Design Companies

Internet Explorer 8 came out almost a year ago. If your home-brewed CMS doesn’t support it by now, find a new line of work, you incompetent hacks.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Dell

Arriving in my office at 8am to a blinking orange power LED on the workstation on my desk is not my ideal start to the week. Component failure affects all manufacturers, but the fact that I knew before even starting troubleshooting that a flashing orange power LED on an OptiPlex means a PSU/MB failure suggests that this happens more often than it should. The service manual for the OptiPlex 960 lists 23 different combinations of diagnostic lights. This is the only one I know by heart.

Next week I’m visiting a school that buys a lot of Lenovo. I don’t want to have to learn a new set of diagnostic lights, but I still haven’t quite forgiven you for all those cheap capacitors you used in the OptiPlex SX260 series. We shouldn’t have to fall out over ropey power supplies, but I won’t hesitate to switch  if I’m looking at another repeat of half my workstations failing 6 months after the warranty runs out.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear School Photographer

I spent hours yesterday correcting the 1-2° slant of all the landscape and architecture shots you took for the school prospectus two years ago. Many people would not notice the sloping paths and off-kilter fenceposts, and I would only describe myself as an amateur in the field of photography, but I do have an eye for detail and I can at least hold a damned camera straight.

Might I suggest that if you do not have an eye for detail, perhaps ‘professional photographer’ is not the best career choice?

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

 

P.S. When taking photos of students using audio equipment, would it have killed you to ask them not to wear the one set of headphones that been stuck back together with sticky tape?

Dear Mainstream Press

Your journalists are absolutely diabolical at writing about tech news.

They produce articles so fundamentally logically flawed they are laughable. This week alone you’ve embarrassed yourselves twice without even realising. Firstly, you leapt gleefully onto the fact that the suspect in the aborted French school massacre played World of Warcraft, touting it as irrefutable evidence that he was inspired to shoot people by playing computer games. Despite the fact that World of Warcraft has no guns in it. Or blood.

Then you trotted out some utter tripe about how the Google Chrome OS was going to pose “a significant challenge to the dominance of Microsoft’s Windows franchise”, as if Chrome would somehow surpass the achievements of Linux overnight, just because it’s coming from a company the journalist has heard of, and that the entire media seems happy to fawn over almost as much as they do Apple. Here’s a newsflash, you morons: Google is not the messiah. The way your journalists write about Google, one could be forgiven for thinking that everything they develop radiates the glow of summer sunsets, reduces carbon emissions, leaves daffodils growing in every footprint, and urinates Chanel No. 5.

Worse still, I’m not even talking about second-rate publications here. Both of these were in The Times, along with the usual collection of broadsheets. Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Since you can’t be bothered to pay a proper tech journalist, at least have someone with a vague clue about the issues proofread your articles for ignorance. Try those poor buggers you have running the computers. If they don’t bury their face in their hands when they read the copy, it’s at least relatively safe to print — but don’t hold your breath.

Love and kisses,
The Angry Technician

Dear Acer

Question: Who in their right mind would ship a server in this day and age that has EDB disabled by default, with no way to turn it on in the BIOS?

Answer: YOU WOULD, YOU DONKEYS.

This server is less than a year old. I should not have to install a BIOS update just so I can get Hyper-V working. Especially when said BIOS update takes far longer than it should and is extremely poorly documented.

Thanks to you I didn’t leave work until 23.15 last Friday. I inherited this server when I started my new job. Rest assured we will not be buying any more from you.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Xerox

Lazy Xerox If you’re too lazy to write some damned code to present a list of valid months for when I could have bought a printer, try not to fire the guy whose job it is to add a new line each month.

It’s now October, and according to your warranty registration page, I apparently couldn’t have possibly bought anything from you since August.

Have fun typing up the registration form I sent you by fax instead.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear SMART Technologies

It’s admirable that you’ve gone to as much effort as you have to ensure it is easy for administrators to install the software to support your SMART Board IWBs.

It would be more admirable if you’d actually given the Install Manager software a quick trial run before releasing it, because product activation during a silent install simply doesn’t work, due to a bug in your Windows Installer package.

Years ago, DHL had a slogan along the lines of “a promise is nothing until it’s delivered”. Sadly, the same is true here. It doesn’t matter how much effort you’ve put in; if your software falls at the last hurdle, it is useless.

The lesson here? Tests. They’re not just for cricketers.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Canon

When you hide the most useful version of your driver software on your U.S. website, leaving the European site bereft of even an explanation that an alternative exists to the retrograde version you foist upon us, you are wasting both my time, and yours.

Wait, scratch that. It’s just my time you’re wasting. Cut that out, will you?

I expect this from HP, not from you.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Digital Blue

Every piece of your software I have ever dealt with is utter rubbish.

For me, the torture began with the comically-named “Digital Blue Digital Movie Creator”, to which you had to add a redundant ‘digital’ to avoid never being able to sell the software to schools. Most recently, it was your dodgy QX-series microscopes. At every turn your products reveal themselves as cheap, gaudy, and developed by people who clearly have never read any of Microsoft’s application design guidelines, have almost no clue of how networked computer systems operate, and appear to have nothing but disdain for accepted principals of user interface design. They do, however, seem to be quite fond of designing user manuals in Microsoft Paint.

Every time a teacher hands me another one of your wretched creations with a hopeful and innocent gleam in their eye, my day is ruined. The bitter tears I would otherwise weep during the hours of anguish trying to get it to work are held back only by my hope that either you one day learn how to actually write software that isn’t a steaming river of effluence, or that you go bust. Frankly, at this point, I’d rather it was the latter.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician