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Dear Granada Learning

After many years of deliberation, I have concluded that you are incapable of producing software with any regard to the technical requirements of modern computing systems. Demanding local administrator rights might have been acceptable 10 years ago, but it sure as hell isn’t today. MSI deployment? Forget it. Run from the network? Only with a mapped drive. Activation? Go round to every machine.

Every piece of software I’ve ever had to install from you has been awkward and bug-ridden. It disgusts me that you are still in business. Every time I think “maybe they’ve got this one right,” and every time, I’m wrong.

The simple fact is that you are not good at this. I realise that after this long it’s too much to ask that you will wither and die, so please just find something else to produce, and someone else to annoy.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Flickr

When I linked my Facebook account to Flickr, I did so because the built-in Flickr publishing that Facebook provides is slow to recognise when I’ve uploaded new photos. I thought you could do a better job. Then I uploaded 23 photos to my photostream, and found that you had sent 23 separate updates to Facebook saying I had uploaded 1 new photo, instead of 1 update saying I’d uploaded 23 photos. You literally took over my wall. It was horrific, and it left me wondering one thing.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?

Seriously, what led your designers to think this was in any way a good idea? This is the exact same BS you used to pull with LiveJournal updates, and it shows that you clearly haven’t learned how people use social media. You’re the foremost photo sharing website in the world, and yet you seem to have no concept whatsoever of how people want to share content outside your own site. Please get your act together. Some of us actually pay for your service, and this really needs to be better.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Microsoft

I’m not sure if Microsoft Query is actually part of Windows or part of Office, but whichever is responsible for it, neither Office 2010 nor Windows 7 should contain software with an interface this cumbersome and ugly:

Even Word 95 on Windows 7 looks better than this. I know, because I’ve tried it. It works better too. Anything more complicated than the simple relationship I’ve shown here is almost impossible to work with. I was trying to import some SQL Server data into Excel 2010 last week, and I spent half an hour with this damned thing trying to correctly tie only 4 criteria together, and I was only using AND and OR. I gave up and edited the SQL manually.

I know you can do better than this, because I frequently work with complex queries in SQL Management Studio, and the query designer in that is a thing of beauty. Microsoft Query, on the other hand, is a beast. A monstrosity. An embarrassment to modern computing. Hold on, my phone is ringing… oh hey, it’s for you; it’s 1992 and they want their user interface design back.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear BT Openreach

Until I moved home recently, I had an ADSL account through Plusnet (a BT subsidiary). When you enabled 21CN on the exchange, I called Plusnet, and was merrily transferred onto a 21CN service in about a week. It went flawlessly. The transfer work began in the exchange around 2am one morning, and the connection was back up 20 minutes later.

So, why is it that when I requested the same regrade for the ADSL account at work, at the same time, which was on the exact same IPStream Max product on the same exchange – but supplied via Zen Internet – was I told that there would be several months wait because there was allegedly so little 21CN capacity being released to resellers at my exchange?

Furthermore, why is it that when the order was eventually actioned by BT Openreach, you started the work at around 2am, but did not pass the completion data through to Zen until TEN GODDAMNED THIRTY in the morning, meaning we were without Internet access until 10.50am?

Is it because your claim that you do not give BT-owned ADSL resellers any preferential treatment is a complete lie? Because that’s how it looks from here.

I’m just sayin’.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Web Design Companies

Internet Explorer 8 came out almost a year ago. If your home-brewed CMS doesn’t support it by now, find a new line of work, you incompetent hacks.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear Dell

Arriving in my office at 8am to a blinking orange power LED on the workstation on my desk is not my ideal start to the week. Component failure affects all manufacturers, but the fact that I knew before even starting troubleshooting that a flashing orange power LED on an OptiPlex means a PSU/MB failure suggests that this happens more often than it should. The service manual for the OptiPlex 960 lists 23 different combinations of diagnostic lights. This is the only one I know by heart.

Next week I’m visiting a school that buys a lot of Lenovo. I don’t want to have to learn a new set of diagnostic lights, but I still haven’t quite forgiven you for all those cheap capacitors you used in the OptiPlex SX260 series. We shouldn’t have to fall out over ropey power supplies, but I won’t hesitate to switch  if I’m looking at another repeat of half my workstations failing 6 months after the warranty runs out.

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

Dear School Photographer

I spent hours yesterday correcting the 1-2° slant of all the landscape and architecture shots you took for the school prospectus two years ago. Many people would not notice the sloping paths and off-kilter fenceposts, and I would only describe myself as an amateur in the field of photography, but I do have an eye for detail and I can at least hold a damned camera straight.

Might I suggest that if you do not have an eye for detail, perhaps ‘professional photographer’ is not the best career choice?

Love and kisses,
AngryTechnician

 

P.S. When taking photos of students using audio equipment, would it have killed you to ask them not to wear the one set of headphones that been stuck back together with sticky tape?